HARD TIMES!!!!

This post is a little more personal for me, but sometimes I feel writing my thoughts down really helps. I remember the year I really started struggling with life, when my job wasn't going anywhere and we were told we might never get pregnant. For a good year I feel into a bit of a depression, not sure what I wanted to do with my life, eating food to comfort me, watching endless TV instead of  reading books or going for walks. One thing that really helped me get out of that depressed state was when I started my blog, I would write a lot about how I felt and my life. Since making a lot of changes in my life with eating healthier and exercising, trying to read more and do more with my time then waste it, things have been going really well. I was on a super high after having Macie she was such a good baby and I was in such good shape and feeling so good and healthy about myself. Me and Mark and Macie were having such a good time together. Then Wade came along, he was a difficult baby and is not the easiest toddler ( but what toddler is) However I never felt depressed at all when Wade was a baby, times were hard and difficult and I had a lot of frustrating moments, but I still felt happy and good inside and still had desires to be active, play with the kids, try to live my life the best I could. When we moved to Cold Lake though something changed in me a little bit, not because we don't like it here, we do we really love it here. I think those two months being alone with the kids is what started it all and not knowing anyone and not really even knowing the town and all it had to offer. After those two months were up and Mark was back living with us, and we moved into our new house, started making friends, started feeling settled, started training for our half marathon, things were improving. I could still feel that something wasn't 100% right with me, I still felt a little sad at times, and wasn't quit as motivated in life. I kept brushing it aside and told myself to snap out of it and start being better. I would make work out goals, reading goals, goals of things to do with the kids. I would follow through with sum and not with others. Then in May Mark started his new job of being away every other week and I got pregnant, it was mostly unexpected and not really planned but after a week of freaking out I finally got excited about it. Then not even a week later I started spotting, I wasn't to nervous as I spotted with both Macie and Wade. Since not having a Doctor up here I decided to go the hospital just to be safe and get things checked out. When they did the Ultrasound I was about 6 1/2 weeks pregnant and there was no sign of the baby. They tested my blood and I had high levels of HCG so they knew I was pregnant but said there is a good chance it died right away as we can't see anything on the Ultrasound. Buy the next day I started spotting heavily and knew I for sure had lost the baby. Overall I was doing pretty good, Mark was at home when it all happened. It was nice to have him here for that. I felt OK and was doing pretty good. Then all of a sudden things took a turn for the worse, Mark left to go back to work and within the matter of a day I felt almost like a huge dark cloud come over me. I felt so sad, mad, depressed. I wanted to be happy and just brush it aside, like I usually can but I couldn't. I didn't want to do anything, see anyone. I wanted to just lie in my bed all day and not be responsible for life. Thankfully I had two kids though who made me have to get out of my bed and take care of them. I didn't understand what was going on with my mood. I have never felt this way before. That whole week without Mark was tough but I pushed through and somehow me and the kids made it. I think it helped that it was such beautiful weather that I could take the kids to the beach everyday. Mark got back and that helped having him there to talk to and help with the kids. I could still feel that dark cloud over me though, then Mark would leave for work again and the cloud would get darker. After a couple weeks of this and doing some research I realized I had Post Partum Depression, I didn't think this was possible with a miscarriage, but it is. Things have improved each week as I think my hormones are starting to settle down, but can still feel that cloud there a bit. These past couple of days we have been sick with the stomach flu, especially Wade so we have been in hibernation in our house, and Mark is away at work and I have been struggling a big again.  This experience has definitely been a humbling one for me. Knowing I am vulnerable to something that is so hard to control. Even though I have had times in my past were I have been sad/depressed and I think everyone has been there, and everyone has a right to be there. We all go though hard times, and all can be sad and have difficult moments. There was a big difference between those sad/depressed moments, I could still control myself better, I could pull myself out of those moments better. These feelings I had after my miscarriage were so over powering on me. They were so hard to control. I am so grateful though for my Saviour, I definitely didn't pray to him and ask for his strength and help as much as I should have. But I could and can still feel his love there. I am also so grateful for my children. I have definitely not been a great mom these past 3 months, but they have still loved me. I am hoping to go and see a therapist soon, as I did after my first miscarriage and it was such a good experience, being able to talk to an unbiased person about it. She helped me so much and am hoping to have that again. Also with writing more in my blog about it, will hopefully help as well. And getting back on a routine with life. Macie in school, kids in extra curricular activities. These things are good for me. I like having things to do and getting out of my house. Setting goals really helps me as well. In general I am a pretty motivated person so give me some goals, a list of things to do and I will get them done. So as it is my 32nd Birthday today (yikes I am getting old) I hope to see a big change for the good over the next year. Get back in shape, get back into learning and baking healthy recipes, get back into doing good things with the kids, get back into reading books and turning off the TV, and getting my endometriosis under control again, it has been reeking havoc since the miscarriage and since putting on some weight. I love my life and I love being Happy, time to get back to being Happy.